My friend Christie’s child, Desmond, dipped his head in the toilet yesterday. She asked him to get his hair wet so she could comb it before school, so he put his hair in the toilet. Why? Not really sure. Maybe he thought it would be faster? Props to Desmond for creativity, but kids are kind of strange.
This got me thinking. A friend of mine has a 7 year old that I love. The only problem is, she’s kind of awful. She has the attitude of a stereotypical high school cheerleader. It’s not pretty. She used to be sweet. She used to be a joy to spend time with. And then she turned 7. Her mother says that they warn you about the Terribly Twos, but forget to mention the Sassy Sevens. I can agree. That’s the things about kids –for every good age you get you a difficult one.
As far as I can figure, this is how it goes.
Fetus to birth. Yay, you find out you’re pregnant. How excited are you! Then you start barfing. Ew. Then you get fat, but all the while you just keep reminding yourself its worth it. In the end, you’ll have a tiny human to love and nurture, right? And then your water breaks. Now I haven’t experience childbirth, but my best friend, Catie, just had a baby. She’s completely in love with her baby girl, with good reason, she’s adorable. But upon talking to Catie a few hours after giving birth to her bundle of joy she informed me that July 29, was basically the worst day of her life. I mean the best too, but definitely the worst, and that she didn’t plan on doing that again for a very long time.
0-1. Babies are so cute at this point you can’t help but love them. In fact, when I see a little baby I usually think to myself “awww I want one.” But then I recall nannying for a little one 3 days a week for 4 months. At the end of the 5 hour day, all I wanted to do was pass out. There was a lot of crying, pooping, and chewing on weird things. I never realized you actually had to ‘redirect’ a 9 month old. Creating a decent human being is hard work from day one. Work that I’d rather leave to someone else for now.
2. The Terrible Twos. Need I say more?
3-6. Not gonna lie, kids are pretty great at this age. They’re sponges for information and still super cute. Maybe even cuter now that they can form complete sentences. …
7. I’ve already told you about the sassy 7 year old in my life. I also was not the world’s greatest human at 7. Everything was a huge deal. Like so huge I thought I was going to die if things didn’t go my way. One day in the third grade I had to pull my green card to reveal the yellow card underneath it, due to the conversation I decided to have with a fellow student during quiet time. Perfectionist that I was, I bawled for hours. Hours. At school. And then I pouted for the rest of the week.
8 -18. Once kids hit 8 or 9 all those hormones kick in and from there are out you can pretty much lump them all together. Their lives are ruled by boys liking girls. Girls flirting with boys. Everything they do revolves around attracting their preferred sex or showing down the competition. It’s not pretty. Luckily, they will eventually grow out of this and, for the most part, realize that there is more to life than sex. Until then I’d rather leave them to other people to parent.
Don’t get me wrong, I love other people’s children. To a point. It’s just once I reach that point all I want to do it give them back. I’m sure someday I’ll be enamored by my own child, but I don’t think I’ll be emotionally equip to deal with the hurricane of parenthood until I’m like 52. Well maybe 30. But we’ll see.
In the meantime, props to all those parents out there. And Desmond, you stay creative.